and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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