Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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