Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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