I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
