I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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