kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
