Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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