Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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