while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
