I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
