he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
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