i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think my vagina is haunted
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
