I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
