Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
