I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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