beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
