I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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