At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
