Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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