Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
There's even glitter on my cock...
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