Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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