He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
