There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
