Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
