You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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