Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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