yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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