Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
