She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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