Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
even my farts smell like vagina
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
