I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
