I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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