Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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