Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I had to cum in my sink.
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