Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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