Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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