the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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