And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
