i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
