So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
