Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
