She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
