She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
