I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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