What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
