Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
