I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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