I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
