Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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