Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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