new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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