He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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