Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
